In recognition of Parent Mental Health Day on 30th January, we look at ways to help open up positive communication between parents and their children.
- ‘No one ever listens to me!’
- ‘Mum just tells me what to do, she doesn’t bother to find out what I want.’
- ‘If I try and tell dad how I feel, he just gets angry and shouts at me, so I shout back.’
These are comments I hear a lot from the young people that I work with. Communication within families can be a tough thing to get right, and parents may feel that they are listening to their child and giving them opportunities to express themselves – while the young person may have a very different view.
Developing the skill of listening
We all know how frustrating it is to feel that no one is listening to us. As parents and carers frequently juggling the demands of work, home and family life, it can be hard to find the time to communicate properly with your child or to get them to open up to you. As parents, we often multi-task whilst living in a world with many noises and distractions such as phones, TV, gaming and music, making it even more challenging for your teenager (or yourself) to unplug and give your undivided attention to another person. Active listening is a skill; it’s also demanding and can be tiring (as any counsellor could tell you), and like any skill, we improve with practice.
5 tips for active listening
It’s important to create the right environment and set the right tone when listening to your child. Here are some tips to help parents make sure their young person feels properly listened to.
- Choose the time and place. Make sure you have the time and space to give your child your full attention. It can be difficult in a busy family but try and find a time and place where you won’t be interrupted. Turn off the TV and put all your phones on silent and out of reach – it may seem ironic but young people often complain that their parents are on their phones too much and don’t offer their full attention. Also, choose your time carefully – if your child has had a bad day they might need time before they are ready to talk. Many young people need a ‘reset time’ after school, so let them relax in their room for a bit until they are ready to talk.
- Think about the location. Sometimes it can be easier to have difficult conversations when you aren’t face to face, particularly if your child is uncomfortable with eye contact or not very emotionally open. Chatting in the car, when you are out shopping or out walking together can all make it easier for young people to open up as it reduces the pressure on them.
- Avoid making it about you. Although we’ve all been one, we don’t know what it’s like to be a young person right now. This generation has a different set of pressures and experiences to many of those that we had during our childhood. Comments such as ‘I know how you feel’ or sentences starting with ‘When I was young……’ aren’t always the most helpful – in fact they can sometimes alienate the young person. Instead, phrases such as ‘That sounds hard’ or ‘That must have been upsetting for you,’ or ‘I’d like to try and understand what that was like for you – can you tell me more?’’ are usually more effective.
- Keep calm. If tempers are rising, walk away or suggest that you both take a break and talk about it later. The reasoning part of our brain that controls thoughts and impulses can switch off when we get angry, meaning that we often say things we don’t really mean – words that a teenager may take to heart and that you can’t unsay. Once voices are raised, we rarely listen properly to each other, and so there is little to be gained once things descend into a shouting match.
- Think carefully before offering advice. Your child may not always want solutions. As parents, we naturally want to fix our children’s problems – but this may not be what your young person actually needs from the conversation. Sometimes a young person just wants time and space to explain how things are for them without advice, so assess the situation before automatically offering opinions. Let them talk openly to you without jumping in with suggestions. When they have finished, you can always ask if they want your input or if they just wanted to get it off their chest. That way, they are in control. Unsolicited advice can sometimes be annoying – for all of us.
How counselling can help
As a parent it can be very hard to listen to your child when they are distressed or angry without emotion, which is often why young people seek counselling. You may have a very good relationship with your child, but they can still find it hard to open up to you for fear of making you sad, angry or disappointed. Counsellors are trained to listen without judgement; to give the young person time and space to speak as a way of helping them to understand their emotions and problems. We may also talk about strategies to try that could help with their problems. Counselling works best when the young person feels that they are being listened to – and really heard.
Book a free consultation today
If you would like to find out more about counselling could help your child open up and explore their problems, you can book a free 20-minute consultation via Archway Health and Wellbeing. Call 01858 410 820 or email admin@archwayhealth.co.uk to make an appointment.