We are all heavily influenced by our experiences in childhood. Our relationship with our primary caregivers, usually (but not always), our parents, has a significant impact on how we see ourselves, how we express our needs, manage our emotions and form attachments with others – now and later in life.
From the moment we are born, we are primed to develop attachments – as babies it’s how we survive when we are young and helpless. We then continue to develop many attachments throughout childhood, adolescence and adulthood. While family attachments are usually the most significant, friends, classmates, teachers and our wider social circle all play a part in forming our attachment style. Understanding that attachment style can help us to develop healthy and positive relationships as we go through life.
What are attachment styles?
The concept of attachment theory was first developed in the 1950s by British psychiatrist John Bowlby. Bowlby believed that the early relationships with our primary caregivers shape how we connect with others later in life, and that these patterns become our attachment style — the emotional blueprint that we carry into adult relationships.
There are four main attachment styles:
- Secure attachment – this is when the child feels comfortable with their caregivers; their needs are met and they are able to develop healthy relationships based on trust and feelings of safety.
- Anxious attachment – the level of care provided by the child’s caregivers may be inconsistent and unreliable: loving one minute and angry the next, making it hard for the child to predict how to act with their significant adult. This often creates a fear of rejection or abandonment, with the child (and later, the adult) seeking lots of reassurance from those around them. People with an anxious attachment style may often be people pleasers and have low self-esteem.
- Avoidant attachment – the caregiver may have been emotionally distant or neglectful so couldn’t be relied upon during childhood. As a result, the child has learned to be independent and may be uncomfortable showing vulnerability or emotions. They may find it hard to trust others and open up to them.
- Disorganised attachment – this is often a result of having an abusive or traumatic relationship with caregivers during childhood. The child (or adult) may desire closeness but fear being hurt, physically or emotionally. They may struggle to trust others and can find it hard to build relationships, feeling that betrayal could happen at any time.
Why does your style attachment matter?
Knowing your attachment style and reflecting back on childhood experiences can help adolescents and adults understand their own behaviours and patterns in relationships. It isn’t about pointing the finger of blame at parents or caregivers but about understanding ourselves better and increasing our own self-awareness. For example, if we have learned from childhood that our needs don’t matter, we may need to work on building our self-esteem and assertiveness. It can also help us to heal from negative experiences and relearn how to trust, be vulnerable and regulate our emotions.
What can I do?
Just because you have a particular attachment style doesn’t mean that it will always be that way, but if t does mean that you might have to work a little harder to build relationships that are secure and comfortable. These steps can help.
- Notice your triggers: if we know what triggers us, we are in a better position to deal with it. For example, some people can be triggered by hearing people argue, certain places or by seeing apparently ‘happy’ families. Journalling about when you feel anxious or distant can reveal patterns and is just one way that you can start to manage those triggers.
- Practise the art of communication: this doesn’t come naturally to everyone, especially if they aren’t used to having their needs noticed. Tell people how you feel about things and share your needs directly instead of hoping others will be able to guess how you feel.
- Work on self-soothing: we all benefit from being able to self soothe and like any skill, this takes practice. Identify what calms and regulates you and do it when needed. Things like grounding techniques, mindfulness, and self-compassion all help us to manage our emotions better.
- Seek therapy: a trained therapist can help you understand your own attachment style and the impact it has upon your daily life, friendships and relationships. Working with a counsellor that you trust can also help as a model for secure attachment within a safe environment.
Of course, attachment isn’t the only factor that plays into our relationships with other people, but it can often be helpful to identify your own attachment style to build the kind of relationships that you want in the future.
Want to find out more? Book a free consultation today
Counselling can help young people with a wide range of issues. If you would like to find out more, I work with young people up to the age of 25 and offer a free 30-minute consultation at Archway Health and Wellbeing to help decide if therapy could be useful. Call 01858 410 820 or email admin@archwayhealth.co.uk to make an appointment.